I've been putting off writing this post, partially because I've been beyond busy--generally 15 hour days lately--and because I'm not sure how to best express these things. I've joked that my internship has increased in intensity each week. Week one was getting here, getting to know things, learning the patterns, etc. Week two were forest fires where we feared being evacuated. Week three? Two baby deaths. I haven't dealt with death much in my personal life, so I'm always a little uncomfortable around death. I don't think there are ever right words to say, and while I know that it's more often about listening than speaking, I really want words to make things better. I especially don't know what to do with the death of children. Out of respect for the family's privacy, I'd rather not post here the specifics about each death, but neither one was expected. Both deaths seemed to occur out of human error.
Instead, I'm happy to explain what I've witnessed as the general practice of funerals and such here. To be clear, I've now only been a part of three deaths, so I'm no expert. My supervisor said that she's been to 50 or so funerals/wakes over the last several years and no two have been identical.
When a person dies, the family plans for the wake and funeral. Generally, the wake begins six days or so after the death. This is not exact, but it depends on family preparations and such. The first step is the wake. A wake lasts for two days and is similar to a viewing. I've only participated in the evening portions of wakes, but the deceased is present in a casket for the entire two days. People stop in throughout the day to pay their respects. The first night of the wake is said to be more for close family, but both nights are open to the public. Wakes are held in the church halls or the large multi-purpose buildings near to where the family lives. Some wakes happen at two different places, if the family members represent two different congregations or geographic areas. The second wake I witnessed was at two different churches. The deceased has to be accompanied at all times, so family members and even friends will stay overnight at the hall. The wake that I attended last night, the third one, actually had a queen-sized air mattress behind the casket.
When one enters a hall for a wake, you approach a row of tables near the far end of the hall, with the open casket in the center of the tables. You sign the guest book, take a program or memorial folder if one is offered, and proceed to walk down the row of tables. Family and friends bring flowers, balloons, etc, and there are usually lots of pictures of the deceased and the family of the deceased on those tables. You eventually come to the casket and pause for a bit--I say a prayer--and then keep moving along the rest of the tables. Family and friends bring sheet cakes that memorialize the person, often decorated with some sentiment, the name of the deceased and the donor's name. The cakes will become a part of the funeral service. Depending on the family, the cakes are often set up near the main tables, so you walk along and look at each cake. I've seen 12-14 sheet cakes at each wake so far.
After you've paid your respects to the deceased and the tables, you shake the hands of any family members sitting in the front row of chairs set up in front of the tables. Then, you take a seat and wait for the wake service to begin. The second wake I attended was partially through Makasan Presbyterian Church, so I was asked to sing as part of the choir. Remember, our choir doesn't rehearse and my Lakota is limited. The choir at this wake was the minister, his wife, my supervisor, the DM candidate and me. Eeek. Each service is different though, depending on what clergy is leading it. It generally involves prayers some sort of message/homily/sermon. During the wake where we sang, the minister generally invites all other clergy to speak. He invited me to speak. It's a bit daunting to be asked on the spot to speak words of encouragement to a family of a child who has died, but I rambled something brief about the Spirit interceding for us with sighs to deep for words.
Apparently, there's often a traditional service later in the evening, once the Christian service has ended. I haven't witnessed this though and I'm not sure who is allowed to witness it.
After the wake service, they do a "feed," which is when the family serves a large meal to all who are in attendance. Before every feed, they close the casket. One family served us plates, but the rest have asked us to walk through a line to be served. I've gathered that it's the women of the family who serve the food. I've also gathered that if I eat everything I'm offered at every wake I go to, I will explode. The plate overflows with food, along with a bowl of soup and some punch. Frybread seems to be standard, as well as potato salad, bologna sandwiches and perhaps baked beans, turkey, roast meat, etc. I've also seen saltines and even got a donut in one of the feeds. This is a tough time for me as I negotiate how to receive the gift of hospitality as a vegetarian. Out of respect, I take everything offered and then take it home with me. This is completely appropriate, since it's standard Lakota practice to take home food for relatives or others not in attendance. I take my food home and offer it to some of the people who come to our door looking for a sandwich though, so it doesn't go to waste.
The first plate served of the feed, or so I think it's the first, is placed on the table closest to the casket. There are feeds for every meal of the day at the two-day wake and a funeral meal, so a pile of food for the deceased grows. I gather that this food is to honor their spirit, but I'm not quite sure on that.
After the feed is over, and a closing prayer if there is one, then we leave. People come and go, depending on schedules and needs, similar to the viewings that I've experienced.
After two days of wakes, we gather again for the funeral. You enter and do the round of the tables, the casket and the cakes, even if you've already seen it all before. The funeral service varies again on clergy, but also involves some prayers, a message, perhaps a few hymns. There's also time for family and friends to speak. This also happens at wakes sometimes.
At the conclusion of the funeral service, there is the final viewing, where everyone again goes around the tables and the casket. This time, the pall bearers stand next to the casket and you shake each person's hand, as well as shaking the hands of the family members in the front row. The pall bearers are the people who really will carry the casket to the grave site. Each pall bearer is pinned with some small ribbon, perhaps with something attached significant to the family. After the final viewing, the casket is closed and the pall bearers carry the casket out to a pick-up truck. Occasionally a hearse is used, but usually it's a pick-up. There's only one funeral director in town. When the pall bearers carry the hearse out, everyone stands to acknowledge it, then other family members and friends pick up all the flowers, balloons, stuffed animals, etc, that are on the tables.
The pall bearers ride in the pick-up truck with the hearse to the cemetery. The truck leads the way and everyone follows it with their four-ways on. If you pass a funeral procession coming from the other direction, you must pull over to the shoulder of the road.
Once the truck arrives at the cemetery, the pall bearers carry it to the pre-dug grave. This happens a few days in advance, if possible, but is done by hand. Apparently, there is no waiting to bury because of frozen ground. Someone told me that he once dug a grave in January by pouring kerosene on the ground and lighting it on fire, just to get it defrosted enough to dig. The pall bearers then use straps to lower the casket into the ground by hand. The clergy present offer some commendation for the dead and then a pall bearer jumps into the grave and nails the coffin shut. I appreciated the much more "real" way of burying the dead, rather than the very clean, removed sense of burial.
I had this strange theological moment though when they nailed the coffin shut on the second burial (the first one I heard). I was reminded of a sermon by a visiting pastor in my home congregation when I was a kid. He preached on Good Friday and brought a hammer and nails into the sanctuary and began pounding on boards. It startled me to think about Jesus' flesh actually being nailed into, once I heard the pounding that night. As an adult, several years later, it was almost comforting to hear the nails going into the casket, since it reminded me of Christ's love for us through his death. A love that means that the person we are putting into the ground is with Christ and not alone.
After the casket is nailed shut and the words have all been spoken, the pall bearers begin to shovel the dirt in to cover the casket. This was a strange sound to hear as well, listening to the dirt thud the top of the casket with each shovel. The pall bearers shovel until someone taps them on the shoulder to take a turn at shoveling. My supervisor refers to this as a "silent dance." It's really cool to watch people taking turns to do the very physical task of burying someone.
Once all the dirt has been shoveled back into the grave, with a mound of dirt on top, the pall bearers smooth out the sides of the mound and all of the flowers, balloons, etc, are placed on that mound and people head back to the hall. The second funeral was held at Makasan and the cemetery is behind the church, so we all walked to the grave site. There was something fascinating about walking in procession with all generations, trying to dodge balloons and answering the questions of the children who were there (several of the kids we work with at Sanctuary were involved in the first two funerals).
Once everyone returns to the hall, they do a final funeral feed. The same sorts of foods are served, with the same quantity. The sheet cakes are presented, following the feed. You stand to acknowledge as the pall bearers and other family members walk around and show the cakes. The cakes are then cut and either delivered or served. I was given a plate at one funeral with literally two layers of cake filling up an entire paper plate...just for me. Again, I eat what I can and take the rest home.
The last piece of the funeral is the give-away. It was traditional to give away all of the deceased's personal belongings. Now, due to American consumerism influence, the family goes out and purchases new items to give away. The family begins by giving away the star quilts. These are beautiful, hand-made quilts that are brought by family and friends during the wakes and the beginning of the funeral, then hung on clothes lines or along the wall behind the tables and casket, with overflow going along the side walls.
Star quilts are gifted to people at all major life stages: birth, graduations, etc. These star quilts have several different meanings that have been described. One is that the star represents the Northern Star, the guiding force. "
It is thought that to the Stars, the Great Spirit gave the power to watch over mortals on earth and impart to them spiritual blessings. The Star Quilt is given today as a token of this belief." (Taken from
http://starquilts.com/tradition.htm)
My supervisor has made a decision to have star quilts on all of the beds on the upper floor of the retreat center. Here's the quilt on my bed, for the visual:
They come in all different colors and patterns. I've even seen some of them with crazy fabrics on the backside, or in some of the pieces. I saw Sponge Bob Square Pants fabric on the back of one and Dora the Explorer in the center front of another!
This post's Lakota word is "waste" (wash-tay), which means "good." We sing waste a lot in hymns. In looking it up to be sure that I had the correct definition, I learned that "wakan waste" actually means "saint." Wakan means sacred/holy, as I'm sure y'all remember. :)
Thanks for reading and be sure to contact me with questions or thoughts!
Take care,
Meredith
